a stress response
when you try to communicate your
emotions or what you need it may be that
you’re showing the signs that you
weren’t listened to as a child when you
needed something when you tried to stand
up for yourself when you tried to set a
little kid’s boundary
getting ignored and having to figure out
everything by yourself as a child it
affects a person and kids are supposed
to learn how to be in the world from
their parents parents are supposed to
model it and teach it how to speak how
to listen how to interpret other
people’s actions and parents are
supposed to help their child learn how
to express themselves in a way that
works that gets heard that’s clear
that’s polite that’s assertive when it
needs to be you know to say what they
need right to ask questions when they’re
confused or to say no when something
crosses their boundaries did you learn
that at home there’s a whole lot I
didn’t learn until much later in my life
how it’s supposed to work you know
attentive parents are very connected to
the kid they listen and they coach them
and if they’re giving feedback but not
listening that’s not going to help
some parents aren’t even saying anything
and they’re just not really there or
they’re literally not there so if that’s
what happened to you it wouldn’t be
surprising at all if social situations
are really stressful for you as an adult
it’s hard to have confidence in yourself
when the way you relate to people had to
be invented by a little kid not by the
well-adjusted grown-ups teaching you but
by you without parents who listen to you
your Social Development
can end up having big holes in it you
know chunks are missing and of course
you’re going to struggle sometimes as a
result of that so what are the signs
that someone wasn’t listened to as a
child one is you may get anxious and
angry when you try to put feelings into
words especially with people who you
depend on like an employer or a teacher
or a partner now maybe you’ve repeated a
pattern and unconsciously chosen people
who don’t listen who don’t want to hear
you can’t hear you or maybe they listen
to you but you have so much fear you’re
going to be dismissed or ignored or
belittled or not heard that your voice
comes out angry
that’s a sign and as you’ve probably
noticed getting wound up and angry when
you’re trying to say what you need tends
to ruin your chances of getting what you
need walking into interactions you know
so sure that you’re not going to get
what you need can be a self-fulfilling
prophecy you can actually become someone
who is in fact hard to listen to and
this is a horrible feeling because
you’re trying to connect and say what’s
going on but then you’re also feeling
shame that you can’t seem to do it right
so it’s a double whammy and this is
really normal for people with childhood
PTSD
but you might be someone who goes the
other way instead of getting angry or
anxious you might lapse into fawning and
people pleasing you’re so sure you won’t
be heard or cared about that you try to
manipulate a good outcome by dancing
around improving how nice you are and
how helpful you are and how many
questions you ask about the other person
and how they’re feeling and of course
this ends up not getting you heard
either fawning feels like you’re being
nice but to the other person it can feel
uncomfortable like claustrophobia like
something that’s not really real
so while it may have helped you survive
childhood it could be keeping you in
relationships that are superficial your
performance of being a nice person isn’t
really something someone can be friends
with or fall in love with it’s it’s it’s
a performance it’s like putting a wall
up another sign that you may have
noticed is that group dynamics are
overwhelming for you that happens to
people who weren’t listened to as kids
you feel like you get overlooked you
don’t get your turn or you worry you’re
not going to get your turn or you feel
like everyone else is taking up all the
space in the room and all the
opportunities to say something and you
get resentful you feel pushed out that’s
a horrible feeling too and it’s also one
of those dynamics that can be made worse
when you feel anxious and angry going
into that group setting because you can
end up seeming defensive or aggressive
or not emotionally safe for other people
to be around huh
it’s understandable
that you got this way
you had to defend yourself and fight to
exist and you probably had to hide a lot
of anger
but the thing is when you’re hiding
anger healthy people can sense it their
nervous system is sensing your anger but
you’re forcing a smile and saying
everything’s fine and they’ll perceive
you as something’s off as untrustworthy
something doesn’t feel right when you
say one thing but feel you know give off
a Vibe of another
so if you’ve been having a rough time
being connected with people and you feel
like you’ve done such a great job of
being cool and nice and agreeable you
may want to ask yourself if you’re
suppressing anger
anger both the repressed kind and the
kind that’s totally out there and you
know being expressed is the Hallmark
behavior of someone who grew up not
listened to it makes people mad
maybe you only express yourself when
you’re crying the feelings come out as
tears that’s a sign or maybe you only
express yourself when you’re so angry
you can’t take it anymore and you’re
yelling and banging things around or
maybe you just get Frozen in silence
shutting people out and I’m not saying
you should run around telling everyone
why you’re so angry all the time but in
the long run if you don’t find a healthy
way to express anger or Express what’s
bothering you before it becomes anger
you’re putting a big strain on your
relationships
okay there are also non-angry just
communication style things that people
do when they weren’t listened to as a
kid what do you do in a conversation
where there’s a long silence does it
make you really uncomfortable and give
you make you feel like you need to have
to rush in and say something because
that often comes from a deep fear that
if somebody isn’t talking the other
person is about to abandon you
and it’s this reflex like well hold on
I’ll keep talking no wait no pauses
don’t go away like you have to keep them
connected to you before they get away
and very similar to this is talking too
fast I used to talk too fast I had to
consciously work on slowing that down
and you might think I talk fast now but
you should have heard me before and I
was just insecure and I was trying to
not take up too much of the other
person’s time basically with my needs
which I thought would be perceived as
stupid like I’m so sorry I’m saying
something but I’ll make it really fast
so you won’t have to deal with me for
long
and of course it’s stressful listening
to someone who talks fast it doesn’t
make you think oh what a considerate
person giving me extra time
coping mechanisms are always just crap
at getting the results you’re trying to
get right
another sign you want to listen to as a
kid is that you you get overly intense
when you’re saying something especially
if you’re saying something about
feelings that someone hurt you or oh God
that you need help with something
because you’re afraid you won’t be
helped and you might not even be
believed you know that’s the fear so I
used to do this every time I got sick
and I’d say to my boyfriend at the time
well I’m sick and he’d go oh okay and I
go no I’m really sick look my eyes are
glassy I think I have a fever I feel
awful my stomach hurts and I go into
this big story this big list of problems
so that I could be believed
and I was already believed and the irony
is because I was talking so much about
my symptoms and going over and over them
making such a big deal I kind of ended
up getting perceived as a hypochondriac
and it sounded like exaggeration and
actually exaggeration is something that
people do when they weren’t listened to
as kids also bragging
when I was a kid though the one thing
that would bring my mother to my side
was when I was sick and I don’t think I
ever faked it except maybe to skip
schools sometimes I mean who didn’t do
that right but to this day I can still
get very you know weird and prickly when
I’m sick because I’m anticipating you
know there’s just this lingering
defensive fight in me about you know
what I’m sick so don’t even think of
ignoring me it’s a fight about whether
they’re going to take care of me or
believe me and it’s kind of like
birthdays I still has gone pretty well
for a few years but it used to be very
easy to feel that no matter how much
anyone tried I was just so sure they
didn’t really care and that my birthday
was a nuisance to them and first I felt
guilty for having the birthday and then
I felt mad that they hadn’t made a big
enough deal and um you know trying to
talk through complicated old fears and
resentments like that is what we call
processing and you can process some of
this stuff to death and it’s not a good
relationship thing where you’re looking
to someone else to fix you and they try
but of course it doesn’t fix you
anger and anxiety
can also be called fear and resentment
and I have techniques for releasing
those as you may know if you’ve tried my
daily practice techniques they’re always
linked below I’ll mention that at the
end
when you have fear and resentment you
might repeat yourself or you might start
talking louder and louder kind of
verbally bullying someone so that they
keep listening whether they want to or
not whether they feel that you’ve
answered your concern or not you might
start interrupting them because you’re
so afraid that you’re not being heard
now if you weren’t listened to as a kid
you might even get angry or defensive
when people ask questions for
clarifications like well what do you
mean what do you mean what do I mean or
you know they go what could you say that
again it’s like how many times do I have
to repeat myself because of the filter
of your past trauma that overlays
everything you think they’re challenging
you
or maybe because you know your anger is
going to create problems you start
acting like the class clown like I know
you don’t want to listen to me but maybe
I can entertain you and get my point
across with humor and you’re thinking
then you won’t think I’m an angry person
you know
and along the same lines you might hedge
what you’re trying to say and you say
well I don’t know maybe it’s just me but
I don’t actually like being treated
rudely or maybe it’s just me but the
tablecloth is on fire
I don’t know where I got that except
well Christmas two Christmases ago
my brother-in-law
um introduced us to the woman he is now
married to she’s very cool and she came
over and it was Christmas time and I’d
set up this beautiful
decorations on the dining room table we
ate at the kitchen table but the dining
room table it had candles in this like
woven Norwegian table runner that’s
traditional you know my mom’s Norwegian
it was beautiful there was all this
stuff and little little ceramic houses
it was so Charming we’re eating dinner
and all of a sudden I hear this
crackling and I was like what am I going
to the dining room and I look and it’s
like the dining room is like massively
the table is on fire it’s reaching up to
the ceiling and I was like hey how’s
everybody getting here and I really
liked my future sister-in-law because
she was so cool about it and she thought
it was funny and she helped me get like
some blankets and put the fire out it
was fine the table’s slightly damaged
forever but whatever
the house didn’t burn down that was how
I made a first impression on her was
causing a house fire
anyway one classic childhood PTSD
behavior is over self-disclosure was
that over self-disclosure no that’s a
perfectly appropriate story for this but
you tell people too much about yourself
too soon or at an inappropriate time
like their mom just died and instead of
giving them some empathy you tell a long
story about what happened when your mom
died and I know that’s intended as a way
to feel connected and show that you do
understand but it’s a Telltale sign that
listening empathically was not something
done enough for you right childhood
not being cared about not being heard
can leave a residue of fear and
resentment and sometimes people who are
carrying a lot of those feelings just
shut down you know just and this can
create a different problem where you
feel like you have to sit and listen to
someone who’s talking too much to you
or they’re insulting you or you’re
interested but you can’t see a way to
get up and leave and this is a fawn
response that turns into a freeze
response when what you need in that
situation is a flight response just fly
out of that conversation yes thanks bye
so the irony is that after all this time
wanting to be heard it can be really
weird when someone does listen to you
this used to actually make me feel
disregulated and when I think about it
it still sometimes does
now four or five years ago I got to meet
Pete Walker and he’s a therapist he’s
like such an important person I got his
advice he’s the person who wrote the
book cptsd from surviving to thriving
and he’s the one who came up with the
concept of emotional flashbacks and
abandonment melange two names for things
that I had been experiencing all my life
that having the name was life-changing
like when somebody named something when
they give you a name for it you’re like
it’s a thing I’m not crazy it’s a common
symptom and I talk about these more
deeply in other videos but emotional
flashbacks and abandonment melange so I
was just starting to coach people this
was four or five years ago and I needed
some help knowing where to set a
boundary when people were asking for my
help but they seemed to be a danger to
themselves
you know and I’m not a therapist or
doctor and I wanted to know like how do
you gracefully handle that and his
advice was great and he told me exactly
when it was time to refer someone to a
hotline or licensed professional and you
know let me off the hook like I don’t
even have to try to do that I don’t have
to try to like save somebody’s life on
YouTube or somewhere where I don’t even
know where they are
and I’ll forever be grateful for his
clarity about that but oh my gosh Pete
Walker has presents man when he’s
listening to you it’s intense I mean he
is like fully listening and next thing
you know Boop I couldn’t feel my hands I
was totally disregulated
now not to fun but is it just me do you
get disregulated when somebody really
listens to you
every time I spot an odd thing like that
a trauma symptom it’s an opportunity
for me to be able to open open it up you
know like what’s in that box and face it
and free myself from it using my tools
or mostly free myself from it
I’m always a work in progress so this
was back when I first started crappy
childhood fairy and if you look at my
really old videos not only do they have
you know terrible low sound levels and
problems with color and Camera Focus but
you’ll see that I say um
um and every 10th word and I’m sort of
flopping around screen like this and I’d
be editing my own videos and I would
just go oh my gosh I can’t put this up
on YouTube I had to you know but I was
dying inside and so what I did is I went
to Toastmasters and I got really into it
to teach myself to speak impactfully and
I got the Insight that saying um and
like and so all the time which I still
do sometimes but they’re called filler
words and it’s just another way of
trying to keep someone interested the
hard way it’s actually okay
to hold
a silence see what I mean like you
stayed with me for that right saying um
has the opposite effect of looking
unprofessional or looking like whatever
I’m going to say isn’t that important it
squanders people’s attention so another
thing that squanders the attention
someone gives you is not to listen to
them because you’re so busy thinking
like what am I going to say what am I
going to say what am I going to say next
oh I know I said this and then you wait
you wait you wait for them to finish
their sentence and you’re like yeah I
know and that’s a that’s a thing people
do when they weren’t listened to as kids
strategizing got to get this right so
that they don’t leave the conversation
so it’s all right it’s it’s not your
fault you were neglected as a kid you
deserve to have wonderful connections to
people now and to become fully yourself
and to express yourself so your life can
take shape around who you really are
childhood trauma can really damage a
person’s ability to connect with people
and to communicate authentically
so luckily there’s so much you can do to
heal and change even now even if you’re
in your 50s or your 60s or your 70s or
later so if you want to use those
techniques to release that fear and
resentment that kind of drives you to
have difficulty connecting with people
and dealing with that wound of not being
listened to I’ve got a free course for
you called The Daily practice these are
the techniques that I’ve used for 29
years to keep releasing fear and
resentment and continue to heal and you
can download that free course right here
click there and I will see you very soon
[Music]
thank you